Sure, Facebook's Fun

As far as being involved in the ‘technical’ side of life, I would say I have a good grip on it. I’m not too tangled up in the “world wide web”, but I’d say I know the basics. I know how to search the internet, for instance. I know that all you have to do is type a little word into the Google search bar and hundreds upon thousands upon millions upon billions of related websites and pages pop up. I also know, as a rule, not to use Bing. For if I search for my searches on Bing, I will be shunned from the rest of the world. Completely and forever.

Of course, that’s just something we say to scare the children. You’re not really going to be judged if you use Bing.

Much.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m quite internet-savvy. I have a number of sophisticated accounts on a number of sophisticated websites. Surfing the web is something I do quite often, like most people in fact!

I understand most website crazes. For example, Twitter. I can honestly say that I am a recovering Twitterholic. Hours, days, weeks even months at a time used to be spent on that miracle of the website. Then I discovered the sun and realised what a beautiful, bubbling world the place is. In fact, you can follow me here.

One website I will never understand, however, is Facebook.

It rises from the fiery pits of hell, spitting hot, burning ash, screaming in battle. Those who dare to travel near enough, end up being sucked in and they never return. The main colour of Facebook is blue; blue like ice and cold. Only, there is a secret colour of Facebook… A colour that only the few of us know. And that colour is red. Like the blood of their enemies.

Innocent social media website? Or evil minion of satan? You decide.

There a number of signs to look out for when you think a website may be an evil website.

The people you hate
Though I must admit there is always people you hate with everything, Facebook seems to conjure up an extreme. Never before did I think I could see all the people I greatly dislike on one website: until Facebook.
They’re all there with their little status updates about stupid things that no-one cares about. They’ll usually put something like, “mint xbox for sale 100,000 quid’ or ‘what goes round comes round u best remember’. Or perhaps the worst of all: ‘inbox me xoxoxo’.
Now, I’m not saying everyone talks like this because they don’t. But there are all these people I added in Year 7, when I was small and gullible, before realising that they were going to turn out to be the stuff of nightmares. Nightmares stem from EVIL.

The selfie
Honestly, people in real life don’t look like the people in their selfies. I won’t name and shame but last week I saw a girl I knew on Facebook and thought, “Wow, she looks happy and different since school. She never used to wear make-up. What a difference!”
I saw her a few days after in real life and she looked exactly how she used to always look.
Why lie, people? Lies stem from EVIL.

The pointless pictures
Yes, I know it’s snowing outside. Everyone knows it’s snowing outside. My mother just told me it’s snowing outside. I’m getting various texts informing me that it is snowing outside. I can see that it’s snowing outside. We don’t need to be reminded of what we already know - That it’s snowing outside. Snow stems from - Actually, I quite like snow.

The bragging statuses
Okay, so you may have gotten an A***** on the hardest exam you’ve ever done and you may get high grades after every mock and you may have passed your driving test and ran into Lady Gaga on the way home. But you know what? Why don’t you tell it to your loving friends and family, who may actually care? Bragging is clearly showing off and showing off stems from EVIL.

When people take over their friend’s Facebook accounts
Everyone ever has seen these. The people who invite their friends over to their houses and just happen to leave their Facebook pages up on their computers/ laptops/ tablets/ phones. This is a dangerous move, as their friends think it’s fitting to type out absolutely hilarious statuses for their friends. Absolutely hilarious, side splitting, so-funny-I’m-actually-crying-with-laughter statuses which aren’t childish at all. Something so mature such as, ‘I like to eat dog food.’ What a hoot.
But it’s not a hoot, is it? It’s mean and childish. And we all know mean children stem from EVIL.

The photos
Last but not least, I’d like to address the image aspect of Facebook. And no, I don’t mean “the selfie”. I’m referring to the other photos.
The photo side of Facebook is a dark side. Now, I’m not alluding to the loving family photos, which your mother may insist on putting on Facebook. We’ve all had to suffer there. I’m talking about these photo types:
The “ain’t my dog cute?” photo - No.
The “I look a mess but photo” - We all know this is for attention. No.
The photoshoots - No.
The photos at Pizza Hut - No.
The “my friend wasn’t looking so I took a picture of her” - No.
The “every two second photos” - No.
Don’t forget kids, photos stem from EVIL.

So I have offered more than enough proof that Facebook is the spawn of the devil and I can only hope that you’ll listen to me and do the right thing. The first step is admitting that you need to get out of there.

And if you’re new to Facebook, I’d suggest you delete your account now before you get sucked up into the world of selfies and statuses.

My advice would be:

Run.

Get out of there now.

Never look back.

If you can’t do this on your own, email me for a hotline number. Together, we can do this.

Thank you for reading.

Unpopular Opinions: Summer

UNPOPULAR OPINION APPROACHING.

I know I probably shouldn't say this on the internet, but I find the summer slightly annoying.

*DUCKS*

Yes, it’s true - your eyes most certainly are not deceiving you - that is what I just said. I find the summer slightly annoying. If anything, I prefer the cold over the hot, the cloudy sky over the blaring sun, and another thing associated with not-summer over something else associated with summer. By now, I’m sure most of you are planning to take up arms and attack this very blog post, but at least allow me to explain myself.

I’m not a fan of high temperatures. Now, I will acknowledge that I live in England, and that we very rarely get these high temperatures anyway, but I’m talking about above average for England. In the warm weather I always end up sweating (that’s unattractive) and having to wear short-sleeved shirts (which is also unattractive), and my parents keep encouraging me to sit outside in the lovely sun. The only problem with that, as I keep reminding them, is a very simple one - can’t see my phone screen whilst sat in the sun. How am I meant to text Anna?

There are many other things you can’t do outside in the sun. For example, you can’t go on the computer because it’s inside the house. I cannot write things like this outside unless I use my tablet - and I only really use that in creative writing lessons so I can kind of show off a little (I admit it). This is when my mother goes on the counterattack with how gorgeous the flowers look and that you can get a suntan! True, my garden can be really pretty, especially in the summer, but it’s not worth missing out on precious minutes of writing just to sit down and drink some orange juice with ice cubes in it. Also, my skin looks like I have a permanent suntan, and whilst it can get darker if I don’t spend a while in the sun, I don’t see how it is particularly worth it.

Whenever I go outside, I have this thing (which is the only way I can describe it) where I have to squint and keep one eye closed because it’s sensitive to sunlight. DON’T PANIC - I’m not a vampire, but it is incredibly annoying. Whenever I wear sunglasses, they also seem to do very little, and really don’t suit me. This is why my favourite solution to this problem is to wear a hat. One of the ones that extends over your eyes to shield off the sun. I would call it a baseball cap, but I’m not American, so my morals simply won’t allow it. From this another problem arises - I don’t own one. And believe me, I have tried looking in shops for them (usually when it already is summer because I have forgotten in the run up to summer, so I’m walking through the shops squinting with my left eye closed trying to read the price labels on the accessories as some shop assistant is trying to show off their selection of sunglasses to me, which I don’t want in the first place!) but they are always stupidly overpriced just for some N /Y} logo or whatever it says on them. I just want a hat to stop the sun from getting in my eyes. Is that too much to ask? Is it?

If it gets really hot, sometimes I will have to resort to wearing an item of clothing known as ‘shorts’ - and that very rarely goes well for me. First off, the pair of shorts I own now don’t even fit me, and I really do not see how that is advantageous for anybody. I’ve had enough of wearing shorts in school PE lessons, and they were most certainly not the best of experiences. Secondly, if I go out and buy some new ones, I may end up having to wear them. It’s a dilemma which cannot be resolved one way or another: if I don’t buy the shorts, I’ll have to wear ones which don’t fit; if I do buy the shorts, I’ll have to wear them more often. Thankfully, this problem only comes about when summer does as well, so I spend my days in the autumn relaxing in the knowledge that I can wear these normal trousers for at least the following seven months .

Don’t even talk to me about how hot it is inside college. When you are at home, it is perfectly fine if it is hot, because I can cool myself down with the fan, or the electric fan, or even wear a short sleeved shirt. But at college, it’s a whole different tale; and this one is most certainly grim. You’re trying to concentrate on the words the teacher is saying, but it’s far too warm for that. I have to keep brushing my hair off my forehead, although I suppose you could argue that’s my fault. It’s very hot and very sweaty, but you can’t go to your bag and get a drink. Somebody else is reading their work out in the quietest voice known to humanity, and the sound of the zip on your bag is fifty times louder than their voice. When they have finally finished reading out their trilogy of ten novels they’ve written in lesson, and everybody else is clapping, you can unzip the zip, lift the drink to your lips and…

It’s warm.

The drink is warm. Well, isn’t that helpful? You want to stop, but you have to keep drinking. This is what you’ve worked so hard to get to - you can’t just put it down now. Besides, you need drink, you’re far too warm to go without it, so you keep going until the bottle is finished. You check your watch and it’s 10:00 AM, and you have four lessons still to go. And it’s all summer’s fault.

Yes, I am just going on and on and basically complaining - but I have been told that’s what I do best. I even complain at series 8 of Doctor Who. I know, right?